Friday, August 19, 2011

A Man's Scooter!

As expected, the jokes have already started at work about my new "girly" bike! No worries, I can take it and dish it out with the best of 'em. However, one of my colleagues was worried that I might feel emasculated by the fact that I'm now "stuck riding a step-through", so he wrote me the following email which I share with you now:

"OK, let me start off by saying this 2011 Burgman 650 Exec ABS is only available for purchase by the manliest of men. My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o’clock shadow, this 2011 Burgman 650 Exec ABS would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that cool shirt at H&M that you had your eye on. It wasn’t meant to transport you to yoga class or Bath and Body Works. No, that’s what your Tiguan is for. If that’s the kind of vehicle you’re looking for, then just do us all a favour and stop reading right now. This bike will make it to hell and back, twice, and without a scar. So if you can’t handle being seen behind the wheel of this biblical, fire breathing, dragon slaying, nazi killing hero because it has no pegs, move on.

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fuelled super action junkies need. It has a 638 cc (38.9 cu. in), 4-stroke, liquid-cooled, DOHC, 2 cylinder engine to outrun the cops and an Electronically-Controlled Continuously Variable Transmission with 2 automatic modes (Power and Way Too Fast). It will save your bacon more than once. It’s got special upholstery that was made from the scales of some obscure extinct groundfish. It’s even got cutaway floorboards to accommodate a large Bernese Mountain Dog. The Burgman 650 Executive also comes with a passenger backrest for when your wife or mother rides with you.

The price on this bad boy is none of your damn business. Asking the price of all this macho is liable to earn you a Burnese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let’s just say you won’t be the prettiest guy at the boat christening in Caraquet anymore.

There’s no km’s on this hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo. It has room for you and the hottie you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes.

Notice: you should be aware that men will shoot at you because they are jealous of your ride.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it’s a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then get a Burgman 650 Executive ABS when you get back from hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with your lady."

Thanks Tony... I needed that!

"Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit." - Maureen Murphy

1 comment:

Doug said...

Congratulations on the Burgie, Lucky. Wise enthusiasts know that it's not what you ride but that you love riding.